When Being Polite Feels Like the Hardest Choice
I said I wasn’t going to write about this, but here I am. I wrote it over a week ago, thinking I might just let it go, but clearly I needed to get it out.
I recently ran into someone I wasn’t expecting to run into, nor did I want to, at least not this soon after I was let down by him. Life catches you off guard sometimes. Thank goodness my husband was with me to support how I handled it. I had mixed emotions when I walked away. I was proud I remained composed, but seeing him brought up some tucked-away anger.
Later, when I was describing what happened to a good friend, she shared with me something that someone else had recently told her, “Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.” Her words stuck. Even though I remained poised in the moment and chose to be polite, the truth is, I carried the weight of that anger long after the brief interaction. I’m glad he didn’t get a reaction from me, but he certainly took up space in my thoughts. So now I’m reflecting on that phrase— and working hard to evict the negative energy people can sometimes leave with us.
I am determined to take this lesson and run with it—a lesson learned, and one I’ll probably keep learning. It reminds me of something I read in The Leadership Secrets of Colin Powell, “You can’t slay the dragon every day.”
Sometimes leadership, in both life and work, isn’t about charging into battle. It’s about restraint. It’s knowing when to stand your ground quietly, protect your peace, and walk away with grace.
Grace is a HUGE word for me, a word I have a lot of respect for.
Last year, I reflected on the idea of cultural civility, the practice of examining our own beliefs while honoring the identities and perspectives of others. It’s a framework grounded in humility, not hierarchy. At the time, I explored it in the context of leadership and mentoring, but I’ve since come to see how it shows up in our most personal, unguarded moments—like running into someone from your recent past who’s hurt you.
In these moments, when the urge to slay the dragon feels strongest, we’re called instead to lean into civility. Because emotional discipline—as leaders like Colin Powell have shown, is a deeper kind of strength.
Being polite when you don’t feel like it doesn’t mean you are silencing your truth. It means you’re choosing to protect it. It’s deciding not to let someone else’s energy dictate your own. It’s the quiet power of acknowledging difference without needing to dominate it— of showing up with dignity, even when history tempts you to do otherwise.
I’m not going to master this lesson overnight. It takes practice—daily, sometimes hourly. But I believe it’s worth the effort. And the more I try, the lighter I feel. :-)
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